Years ago, I was asked by an older, male colleague, “why are women so angry?”
His question was ludicrous, misogynistic on the face of it, and it was clear he didn’t mean it in a curious, sincere way. No, it was meant to be demeaning. I was a young psychologist, barely thirty years old, hired into a temporary position. At the time, if I’d had the words to respond, I was smart enough not to say anything.
The question he should have been asking: Why are men so angry?
Let me say up front, women aren’t perfect and some women are perpetrators. But by and large, it is the men who are the aggressors. I’m not suggesting that all men or even most men are aggressors, but this is a problem we desperately need men to address.
I spent my professional life as a psychologist in a university counseling center. I worked with more than my share of sexual assault survivors, most of whom had been assaulted by an acquaintance—another student. They didn’t want to go to the police, and they were generally correct in their assessment that nothing would happen to the perpetrator. They were both drunk. It was a misunderstanding. And hadn’t she left the party with him? If the perpetrators had any consequences at all, it was a stay-away order from Judicial Affairs.
Some percentage of these men wake up the next morning realizing what they’ve done. They are remorseful and may even apologize to the woman. These men are not the repeat offenders.
A Strategy, Not a Misunderstanding
But far too many of these sexual assaults are planned. The perpetrator is skilled at spotting the shy girl. He offers her a drink, puts his hand on her thigh. If she doesn’t pull away, he gets her another drink, then suggests they go somewhere quiet. Once isolated, he assaults her. He’s used alcohol as a weapon to incapacitate her. Numerous studies report that somewhere between 25-34% of college men admit to committing an act that meets the legal definition of sexual assault. Between 5-10% of college men are responsible for the majority of sexual assaults on campus. Anywhere else, we would call these men serial rapists.
You’re skeptical. You think I’m just an angry woman overreacting. For the record, I am angry. And you should be too.
Believe the Women, Believe the Men
When we say, “believe the women,” we also have to believe there are men—men we know, who are our fathers, brothers, sons, who are committing these acts. To be clear, women and children are at far greater risk from men they know, men they should be able to trust. Stranger rape, while more easily identified as rape, is less common.
Gather together a dozen women and ask them, sincerely, to tell their stories. You will hear about incest, rape, sexual harassment, relationship violence, stalking. A minority of women have escaped being abused in some form.
Taking in this reality is overwhelming.
The point is that we’ve been unable to truly absorb the enormity of the problem. It is not just Jeffrey Epstein, and Brett Kavanaugh, Clarence Thomas, Bill Cosby, Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Cesar Chavez.
The #MeToo movement highlighted sexual harassment and assault in Hollywood, but what about all the other women in the workplace suffering sexual harassment?
Jeffrey Epstein illustrates the extent of sex trafficking and sexual abuse among the ultra-wealthy, but what about your ten-year-old niece who refuses to be alone with her creepy uncle? Or your co-worker who is afraid to go out at night? Or your boss who won’t take “no” for an answer?
This is what it’s like to be a woman in this country.
At the same time, it is also true that boys and young men are in crisis. They are underemployed and less well educated in comparison to women. They spend too much time playing video games and not enough time learning how to be kind, social, productive human beings. Unlike their parents, the future looks bleak for them. But economics do not explain the epidemic of sexual and domestic violence. This is not a generational problem or even a new problem. The only thing new is what we call it today: toxic masculinity.
Violence against women has always been a problem bigger than today’s newspaper headlines.
What Would it Take to Change?
If we hope to ever solve the epidemic of violence against women, we must first take in the enormity of the problem. We must hold on to what we know and not forget it in the next news cycle. It will take all our courage to be willing to hear the truth of women’s lives. And to remember that truth.
I want men to ask themselves, sincerely: Why are men so angry? I want to know what they are willing to give up to live in a world that is safe and secure for everyone.
Exploring Further, My Novel Cross Body Lead
If this post resonates with you, you might enjoy reading my novel, Cross Body Lead.
How far would you go to right an injustice?
Billie Ochoa teaches Cold War politics. She’s edgy, charismatic and resolute, especially when it comes to advocating for the vulnerable and marginalized. When a student in one of her classes is being stalked, she finds herself stymied by the police and university administration who claim there’s nothing they can do. That’s when Billie takes matters into her own hands.
Available at Volumes of Pleasure in Los Osos and Amazon.
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